BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike!
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like, and have reconsidered their benefit packages
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like, and have reconsidered their benefit packages
1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A teenage boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD?" Granny replies: " The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humour!" (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)
6. A chap's wife's is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.)
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I woke up this morning at 9:00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.
9. My missus packed my bags and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!"
10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.)
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A teenage boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD?" Granny replies: " The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humour!" (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)
6. A chap's wife's is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.)
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I woke up this morning at 9:00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.
9. My missus packed my bags and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!"
10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.)
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There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going?
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going?
LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE
I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power”!
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Rumanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “sorry about the wait.”
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change?”
I said 'Nope, you're still black'
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says me Ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."
I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power”!
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Rumanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “sorry about the wait.”
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change?”
I said 'Nope, you're still black'
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says me Ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."
An Auckland couple had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in New Zealand was Chinese. And they didn't want to take a chance on having a Chinese baby because neither of them could speak the language.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in New Zealand was Chinese. And they didn't want to take a chance on having a Chinese baby because neither of them could speak the language.
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME
Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square .
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope . When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL
40 D Breasts
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say,
Oh MY God!!!
Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square .
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope . When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL
40 D Breasts
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say,
Oh MY God!!!
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
4. Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
4. Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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A dog is about to cross a busy road when a chicken rushes out & says "don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it."
Harley Davidson Closing Plants Due to Declining Sales....Why ?
Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles.
Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why.
Here are 25 reasons why Millennials don't ride Harleys:
1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough strength to hold the bike up when stopped.
6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency medical care or extensive psychological counseling.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college working on a degree in Humanities, Art History, or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pyjamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen or voice commands.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16. Harleys don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscles to back up.
19. When stopped, a light breeze might blow exhaust fumes in their face and cause nearly instantaneous cancer.
20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-softened water.
21. Harleys burn gasoline and that supports the big oil companies.
22. Can't use both thumbs for texting while riding.
23. Can't use a Harley to earn extra money driving for Uber or Lyft.
24. Harleys don't provide enough sun protection for those spending most of their time playing video games in their Mom's basement.
25. The Harley roar would scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy !!
Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles.
Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why.
Here are 25 reasons why Millennials don't ride Harleys:
1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough strength to hold the bike up when stopped.
6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency medical care or extensive psychological counseling.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college working on a degree in Humanities, Art History, or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pyjamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen or voice commands.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16. Harleys don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscles to back up.
19. When stopped, a light breeze might blow exhaust fumes in their face and cause nearly instantaneous cancer.
20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-softened water.
21. Harleys burn gasoline and that supports the big oil companies.
22. Can't use both thumbs for texting while riding.
23. Can't use a Harley to earn extra money driving for Uber or Lyft.
24. Harleys don't provide enough sun protection for those spending most of their time playing video games in their Mom's basement.
25. The Harley roar would scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy !!
A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realizes he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,
"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?"
The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen, mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive."
So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.
The bartender is speechless.
"Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer."
The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.
"Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?"
The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then."
The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waistcoat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.
"Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it."
In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.
"I'll give you $50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant."
"Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with banknotes before making his exit with the frog.
"Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!"
"Nah," says the man.
"The hamster's a ventriloquist!!..
"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?"
The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen, mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive."
So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.
The bartender is speechless.
"Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer."
The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.
"Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?"
The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then."
The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waistcoat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.
"Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it."
In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.
"I'll give you $50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant."
"Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with banknotes before making his exit with the frog.
"Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!"
"Nah," says the man.
"The hamster's a ventriloquist!!..
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapsed from a heart attack! "Help me, dear," she groaned to her husband.
The husband called 911 on his cell phone, talked for a few minutes, picked up his putter, and lined up his putt.
His wife raised her head off the green and stared at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
___________________________
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
___________________________
A young man and a priest were playing together. At a short par-3, the priest asked, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man said, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest said, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hit his 8-iron and put the ball on the green.
The priest topped his 7-iron and dribbled the ball out only a few yards.
The young man said, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
___________________________
Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asked, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" said the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begin to sob, dropped the club, and put her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for five."
___________________________
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it.”
The husband called 911 on his cell phone, talked for a few minutes, picked up his putter, and lined up his putt.
His wife raised her head off the green and stared at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
___________________________
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
___________________________
A young man and a priest were playing together. At a short par-3, the priest asked, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man said, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest said, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hit his 8-iron and put the ball on the green.
The priest topped his 7-iron and dribbled the ball out only a few yards.
The young man said, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
___________________________
Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asked, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" said the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begin to sob, dropped the club, and put her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for five."
___________________________
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it.”
Aaron was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
Rick and his wife, AngieMarie were driving home one very cold night when AngieMarie asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to Rick, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
Rick says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
Rick is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to Rick, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
Rick says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
Rick is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE
Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a
gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE!
Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a
gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE!
TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It's a Beautiful Day even when it's not.
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It's a Beautiful Day even when it's not.
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to the Middle East to see for ourselves what the place was like and all the trouble was about. It didn't start well when the bus we where travelling on broke down a few miles north of our final destination.
We were stranded in a third world sh*t hole with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women around us were wearing head to toe burqas.
As the crowd closed in we were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Dave the bus driver suddenly remembered that Lakemba had a train station, so we were able to get safely to Wynyard for the final leg of our journey
We were stranded in a third world sh*t hole with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women around us were wearing head to toe burqas.
As the crowd closed in we were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Dave the bus driver suddenly remembered that Lakemba had a train station, so we were able to get safely to Wynyard for the final leg of our journey
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and she understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from the fireman in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and she understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from the fireman in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
An Obituary printed in the London Times....
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated
such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepchildren;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated
such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepchildren;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hearfirst?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hearfirst?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, " I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, " I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"
The Queen was in Glasgow when she formally met Alex Salmond, Scotland's First Minister.
EIIR: "How nice to see you Mr. Salmond."
AS: "Nice to see you Your Majesty. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?
EIIR: "Oh dear, one hasn't considered that yet!"
AS: "How about calling it a 'Kingdom' and then I will be King?
EIIR: "One doesn't think that is appropriate."
AS: "How about 'Empire' then I can be an Emperor?
EIIR: "In one's dreams!"
AS: "All right! So how about calling it a 'Principality' and then I can be a Prince?"
EIIR: "Mr. Salmond! I think we will let it remain a 'country' and you can carry on as you are."
EIIR: "How nice to see you Mr. Salmond."
AS: "Nice to see you Your Majesty. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?
EIIR: "Oh dear, one hasn't considered that yet!"
AS: "How about calling it a 'Kingdom' and then I will be King?
EIIR: "One doesn't think that is appropriate."
AS: "How about 'Empire' then I can be an Emperor?
EIIR: "In one's dreams!"
AS: "All right! So how about calling it a 'Principality' and then I can be a Prince?"
EIIR: "Mr. Salmond! I think we will let it remain a 'country' and you can carry on as you are."
THE TRUE CAUSE OF OBESITY
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like….
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like….
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
This happened on ONTARIO RADIO LIVE:
Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."
"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of Ribs."
Across the street, there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods, and on the other side, a liquor store called "Morehammered."
"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”
Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.
And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point, it is midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.
Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."
"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of Ribs."
Across the street, there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods, and on the other side, a liquor store called "Morehammered."
"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”
Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.
And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point, it is midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.
.A.A.D.D.- RECOGNIZE THE SYMPTOMS !
Thank goodness there's FINALLY a name for this disorder.
"Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder"
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back On the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox When I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, And see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, So I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter Catches my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter , Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
But then I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you YET, YOUR day is coming.
P.S. : I don't remember who sent this to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry.
Thank goodness there's FINALLY a name for this disorder.
"Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder"
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back On the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox When I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, And see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, So I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter Catches my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter , Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
But then I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you YET, YOUR day is coming.
P.S. : I don't remember who sent this to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry.
I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as Oral High Jean.
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Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
That's nice I thought,
'Two lips from Amsterdam !’
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My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it....
but when I got home all the signs were there.
sxxxxxxxxxx
My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?"
I told him,
"Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan-shaped tails and live on insects.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on benefits."
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Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch he said
"It's Houston , we have a problem!"
She was known as Oral High Jean.
xxxxxxxxxx
Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
That's nice I thought,
'Two lips from Amsterdam !’
xxxxxxxxxx
My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it....
but when I got home all the signs were there.
sxxxxxxxxxx
My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?"
I told him,
"Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan-shaped tails and live on insects.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on benefits."
xxxxxxxxxx
Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch he said
"It's Houston , we have a problem!"
DO U HAVE A VAGINA???
Now there is a question you do not get too often...
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust....
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this
guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says......
The man replies Good Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?
Now there is a question you do not get too often...
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust....
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this
guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says......
The man replies Good Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie,
large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power”!
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Roumanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “sorry about the wait.”
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change?”
I said 'Nope, you're still black'
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says me Ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."
large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power”!
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Roumanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “sorry about the wait.”
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change?”
I said 'Nope, you're still black'
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says me Ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."
It just hit me!
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks ...
My dog must be an Illegal Immigrant.
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks ...
My dog must be an Illegal Immigrant.
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An Auckland couple had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in New Zealand was Chinese. And they didn't want to take a chance on having a Chinese baby because neither of them could speak the language.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in New Zealand was Chinese. And they didn't want to take a chance on having a Chinese baby because neither of them could speak the language.
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
A father went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck boastfully says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis the size of a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are black."
Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck boastfully says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis the size of a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are black."
How to Replace Mouse Balls
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
To whom this may concern
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
To whom this may concern
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
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No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired Of putting up with her shit. Men ' s Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC |
Make love, not war.
Hell, do both GET MARRIED! Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT |
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Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity. The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO |
If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life, Then let's all get wasted together And have the time of our lives. Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC |
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die...
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die...
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Lansdowne Hotel Pizza Menu
Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Hull Pair in Hospital A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Vintage film fan and part time 'plus size' model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Black Ink Tattoo Emporium in Carr Lane last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.
Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in her buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse up to my roll-up and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Hull Royal Infirmary A&E where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
“I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go, and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me up on his bench on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the Humberside Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.... “he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
Vintage film fan and part time 'plus size' model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Black Ink Tattoo Emporium in Carr Lane last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.
Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in her buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse up to my roll-up and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Hull Royal Infirmary A&E where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
“I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go, and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me up on his bench on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the Humberside Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.... “he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota.
He shot a bird, but it fell into the field on the other side of the fence
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and,
if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota.
We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What’s the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Don’t you just love old people!!!
He shot a bird, but it fell into the field on the other side of the fence
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and,
if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota.
We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What’s the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Don’t you just love old people!!!
The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man... Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
Jane married Ted and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.
Jane again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Jane finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs"
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.
Jane again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Jane finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs"
Globalization?
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization ?
Answer : Princess Diana's death.
Question:
How come?
Answer : An English Princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed
closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Australian, using American Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexicans who are in the US illegally because the previous president,who presided then was educated as a Muslim in Indonesia and refused to enforce US law.
That, my friends, is Globalization !
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization ?
Answer : Princess Diana's death.
Question:
How come?
Answer : An English Princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed
closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Australian, using American Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexicans who are in the US illegally because the previous president,who presided then was educated as a Muslim in Indonesia and refused to enforce US law.
That, my friends, is Globalization !
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said,"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said,"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said,"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said,"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.
Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now !
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now !
A 5 year old boy and his 3 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says: 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Oh, shit Mum, I don't know, I think I’ll have some Cornflakes.'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do you want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Cornflakes!'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says: 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Oh, shit Mum, I don't know, I think I’ll have some Cornflakes.'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do you want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Cornflakes!'
