Jokes

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences
in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

And the WINNER is ...

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the century
Thought from the greatest living Scottish thinker
-- Billy Connolly: "If women are so bloody
perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Children are quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got
here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing
your maths multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without
using tables.

__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell
'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you
asked me how I spell it.

(I love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the
chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking
about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's
H to O.

__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one
important thing we have today that
we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always
get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the
ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not
only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie,
do you know why his father didn't
punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the
axe in his hand.
_________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly,
do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum
is a good cook.

______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on
'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a
person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

Mother had 3 virgin daughters who were all getting married in quick succession.As the mother was concerned about their first experiences,
she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words about what transpired.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'
The mother was puzzled at first… she went to her kitchen and found the Nescafe jar.
It said: 'Good till the last drop'.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'
The mother found her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size’
she was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mom waited for a week, nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
Mum fainted.

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By December 19, 2022

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Sent From Guys in the Witness Protection Program

Some Political Jokes - US style
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F.
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. “Give me your money,” he says. The man in the suit turns around, surprised. “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Congressman!” The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.”
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Why was it well known that communism was doomed from the beginning?
All the red flags.
After Brexit was confirmed, it was declared by the EU that it had lost 1 GB.
Monica Lewinsky didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election. No one is sure why, but rumour has it it was because the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
What is the one thing you can guarantee from any person who wishes to share their religious or political views with you?
That they don’t wish you to share yours in return.
What is the one government organisation that you can guarantee will actually listen to you?
The NSA.
After hearing a political joke, a guy says to his friend, “I don’t approve of political jokes.”
“Why not?” says his friend.
“I’ve seen too many of them get elected.”
What is it recommended that rich kids, who have failed every single possible career venture in the private sector, should do next?
Get into politics.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
Your Honour.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Senator.
What's the difference between a politician and a snail?
One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.
What’s the best way to become a leader of a country?
Be rich, fail at everything, and bankrupt businesses. It’s a certainty everyone will vote for you then.
A guy says to his friend: “Politics is the most accurate word in the English language.”
“How come?” asks his friend.
The guy replies: “Because Poly = many; and Ticks = blood-sucking parasites.”
What’s the difference between baseball and politics?
In baseball, you’re out if you’re caught stealing.
A guy says to his friend: “I once met an honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country.”
“What happened to him?” his friend says.
The guy sighs deeply: “I don’t know, I woke up and never saw him again.”
What is the problem with the right and left political movements?
They are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.
What’s the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
A liberal hasn’t realised they’ve been mugged yet.
What’s the difference between the liberal and conservative versions of free speech?
One tells you what you can’t say, the other tells you what you can say.
What do politicians do when they see light at the end of the tunnel?
Raise taxes and use that money to buy more tunnel.
What do politicians and diapers have in common?
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Why should you never have sex with a politician?
Because when it comes to f**king, with a politician it’s always a one-way street.

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
· My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
· My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over on the east end."
· My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
· "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, "Huh? The asshole had a paper route.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A nun gets out of bed she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
This happens another 12 times, by now the nun is pissed off, she bumps in to Mother Superior who smiles at her.
The nun screams “DON’T ASK ME IF I GOT OUT OF THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING!”
“I wasn’t going to.” Mother Superior replies,
“I was just going to ask why you were wearing the Bishop’s slippers?”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Pinocchio was having trouble with his girlfriend.
Geppetto sees him with his head hung low during dinner and says "What seems to be the problem, Pinocchio?"
Pinocchio says "it's my girlfriend. Every time we make love, she complains of the splinters. We've tried everything and don't know what to do."
Geppetto says "I know what you need. Follow me" and takes him over to his work bench and gives him some sandpaper.
"Pinocchio, use this to smooth everything down. Your girlfriend won't have any problems after you use this."
A few days go by and Geppetto starts to see Pinocchio with a smile on his face again so he asks him how things are going with his girlfriend.
Pinocchio says "girlfriend!?
Who needs a girlfriend !!!!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Wayne phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. Wayne:
'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir..?'
Wayne:- 'Outside number 28 O'Shaughnessy Street Kew Vic.'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir..?' Silence....and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir..?'
More silence and another minute later. Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me..?' This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me..?'
Wayne: 'Yes, sorry bout dat...
I couldn't spell O'Shaughnessy Street , so I've just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.
"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A GUY WAS PLAYING GOLF ONE DAY AND HE GOT LOST.
HE SAW A LADY UP AHEAD OF HIM AND WENT TO HER AND SAID, "CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HOLE I'M ON."
SHE TOLD HIM "YOU ARE ONE HOLE BEHIND ME. I'M ON 7; YOU'RE ON 6."
HE THANKED HER AND CONTINUED PLAYING GOLF.
LATER, HE GOT LOST AGAIN.
HE SAW THE SAME LADY AND WENT TO HER AGAIN KIND OF EMBARRASSED.
"I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU AGAIN BUT I'M LOST; CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HOLE I'M ON."
SHE TOLD HIM, "YOU ARE ONE HOLE BEHIND ME. I'M ON 14; YOU ARE ON 13."
AGAIN, HE THANKED HER AND CONTINUED PLAYING GOLF.
WHEN HE FINISHED HE SAW HER IN THE CLUBHOUSE.
HE WENT UP TO HER AND ASKED IF HE COULD BUY HER A DRINK FOR HELPING HIM OUT.
SHE ACCEPTED.
AS THEY WERE DRINKING AND TALKING, HE ASKED HER WHAT SHE DID FOR A LIVING.
"I'M IN SALES," SHE SAID.
HE REPLIED, "NO KIDDING; SO AM I."
"WHAT DO YOU SELL?"
SHE RESPONDED THAT IT WAS TOO EMBARRASSING TO TELL; BUT AFTER HE KEPT PLEADING TO KNOW WHAT SHE SOLD,
SHE FINALLY SAID THAT SHE WOULD TELL HIM IF HE PROMISED NOT TO LAUGH.
HE PROMISED.
SHE SAID, "I SELL SANITARY NAPKINS."
HE IMMEDIATELY FELL TO THE FLOOR LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
SHE SAID, "YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T LAUGH".
HE REPLIED (STILL WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES), "I'M SORRY, BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT. I SELL TOILET PAPER..... I'M STILL ONE HOLE BEHIND YOU."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My wife and I decided to go on an organised trip to Egypt, to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just a few miles south of the station.
We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English.
The train, and surrounding streets, were full of Muslims; angry, bearded types glared at us!
The wife stood out in her brightly coloured sun-dress,
All the local women were draped in black, head to toe, burqas.
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble. Just then, Jenny our group leader ushered us off the train and round the corner from Bankstown Station to the bus terminal, where we continued our journey safely to Sydney Airport.

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!' Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope.. just when it's raining.'

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers.

  FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences
in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

And the WINNER is ...

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the century
Thought from the greatest living Scottish thinker
-- Billy Connolly: "If women are so bloody
perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Two women are chatting in an office.
Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"
Woman 2: "Yes."
Woman 1: "Was it good?"Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes,
got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"
Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner.
After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.
We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"
Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep.
It was great! What about you?"
Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill;
so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab.
We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!
I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour.
After I finally did,
I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

Old age has certain compensations. For example, as we get older we may get wrinkled, but cataracts make it harder to see them. So there’s that.

AUSTRALIAN LETTER - I think the sender might have been upset!
This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. The Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing !

Dear Mr Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that K-Mart has my damn telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
For Christ’s sake, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.
It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years.
It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.
Also...would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely bloody astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!
SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?
I apologise, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address!
What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!
And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sake. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of Sydney , and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?
Nooooo, that'd be too bloody easy and makes far too much sense.
You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're not allowed to smile?...you bloody morons.
Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL… Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.
However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am; you know...someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BLOODYPAKISTAN!...a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the "right sort of government"..
You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling bloody idiots!

THE BLACK BRA (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went:
Engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.'
Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we made wild love all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, " What's for dinner, Zorro?

oil shortage here in Australia?
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Bass Strait
~~~
East Queensland Shale Fields
~~~
Canning Basin
~~~
Perth Basin
and
North-West Continental Shelf~~~

Our
DIPSTICKS
Are located in
Canberra!!!

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay"  as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got   downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace,"   said the priest," especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

Commentators! Some oldies and a few new ones...

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Some Song Jokes

I’m getting totally fed up with people whingeing about the price of things. $2.50 for an ice tea, $3.50 for coffee, Four dollars for a slice of cake, five dollars to park a car.

Any more complaining I’m going to stop inviting people over.

A bloody great Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock,
the cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
the float valves in the water troughs and the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
and saw a ewe down in the dam, a few metres from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they have no common sense,
they won't go through a gateway, but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt,
she'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't pull her out.
But as he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
and in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down,
if he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim,
he saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
and as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam,
he caught up with her somewhere near the middle of the dam.

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip,
he tried to grab her sodden fleece, but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath,
she showed him little gratitude for saving her from death…

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side,
he swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed,
he still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed…

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day,
he knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away.
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea,
but neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view,
for running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch,
the farmer yelling wildly, "Come back here, you lousy stupid bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car,
the cocky's reputation had been damaged near and far.
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks,
spot the hazard, assess the risk and always wear your jocks!

I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... so she hugged me.

My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else....

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I thought growing old would take longer.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, now I have no idea what's going on.

The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed.... I need bail money.

I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys and phone."

A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume.

Oops.... did I roll my eyes out loud?

Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're having a staff meeting.

I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Project Manager. Because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Measure once, cuss twice

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

THINK! (It's not illegal.... YET)

The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.

Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 2022 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Ukrainian soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Ukraine is better than one hundred Russians." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Ukrainian voice calls out again: "One Ukraine is better than one thousand Russians: The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.. Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There's two of them.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.
WIFE VS HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Confucius Did Not Say.....

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Really Did Not Say...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
The Royal Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all battleships and aircraft carriers and submarines. Addressing all boat personnel at Plymouth, a senior Admiral advised:
"Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined £50 the first time”. He continued: "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined £150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of £500. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a boot-neck from 45 Commando (Royal Marines) stood up in the crowd and inquired..
"Sir, how much for a season ticket ?"

On the 8th day - God created Seniors
Most seniors never get enough exercise.
In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So, if you find, as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older:
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Please share this wisdom with others; I need to go to the bathroom

The Long Red Light

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America"
and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man?..that could have been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver!

Poor old Grandad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook, gone before his time.

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.

The doctor said his heart was good, fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest, of snakebite without trace,
Of red-backs quietly creeping and death from outer space.

NO-ONE HAD A CLUE AT ALL, THE JUDGE WAS IN SOME DOUBT,

WHEN DAD WAS CALLED TO HAVE HIS SAY AS TO HOW IT CAME ABOUT.

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story, but it could explain his death.

This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil.
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste.
So I moved the dunny over it, real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again, I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night.

Now I reckon what has happened, poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash,
Well, he always used to hold his breath, until he heard the splash!'

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Nicknames for workmates -
"Wicket keeper" - puts on gloves and stands back
"Harvey Norman" - 3 years no interest
"Grenade" - waiting for him to pull the pin
"Sensor light" - only works if someone walks past
"Blister" - appears when the hard work is done
"Seaweed" - floats around all day
"Deck chair" - always folds under pressure

"2-stroke" - hard to get started, and always smokes
"Morphine" - slow moving dope
"Bushranger" - holds everyone up
"Pothole" - Always in the road, needs to be filled in
"Jungle" - Thick and Dense
"Wheelbarrow" - Only works when he's pushed
"4n20" - 4 days' work and 20 years' experience

"Fractions" - Does 2/5ths of f#@k all
"Cyclone" - Slow moving depression
"Treacle" - Slow moving and thick
"Scarecrow" - Just stands around all day and watches
"Minerals" - Silver in his hair, gold in his teeth and lead in his arse
"Limo" - Carries about 8 blokes
"Chainsaw" - Hard to start and stops for no reason
"Noodles" - Thinks all jobs take two minutes
"Cordless" - Charges all night but only works for two hours
"Drill bit" - A small boring tool
"Broken arrow" - (Bosses son) Doesn't work and can't be fired
"Perth" - Two hours behind everyone else
"007" - 0 motivation, 0 skills and 7 toilet breaks
"Foreskin" - disappears when it gets hard
"Nutgrass" - never know where it will bob up

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

This clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

Just For Fun
Salma Briant sues Samsung for $1.8M after cell phone gets stuck inside her vagina.
An Albuquerque woman is suing Samsung for $1.8 million after she needed medical attention after inserting her cell phone inside her vagina and was unable to retrieve it for 96 hours.
Salma Briant, 39, claims her medical bills at the University of New Mexico Hospital amount to $1,168,000 and that she has suffered from severe psychological distress because of the whole ordeal. Briant said she first inserted the cell phone inside her vagina as a dare from one of her friends, but quickly realized that the phone would not come out.
Attorney Jim McAfee’s claims his client was forced to undergo a caesarean section to remove the cell phone because of the atypical shape of her pelvis and had no insurance at the time.
A Samsung spokesman said they would not comment on this case at this moment, but explained that an out-of-court settlement was still an option on the table.
“I wanted to see how it would feel to put my cell phone on vibration mode inside of me, just for fun, but it soon turned out to be a nightmare,”
she told Judge Andrew Peterson in tears. “Samsung is definitely at fault here as they offer no warning about the dangers and potential risks during the insertion of their products inside their clients male or female body cavities or genitals” Salma Briant’s lawyer, Jim McAfee said in court.
Remember: They walk among us & they vote

Our Phones - Wireless
Cooking - Fireless
Cars - Keyless
Food - Fatless
Tires -Tubeless
Dress - Sleeveless
Youth - Jobless
Leaders - Shameless
Relationships - Meaningless
Attitudes - Careless
Babies - Fatherless
Feelings - Heartless
Education - Valueless
Children – Mannerless

We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!

I'm scared - Shitless!

Only in This Stupid World ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.    ️

Only in This Stupid World ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.   ️

Only in This Stupid World.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.. ️

Only in This Stupid World.....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..    ️

Only in This Stupid World ...........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in Packages of eight.. ️

Only in This Stupid World .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. ️

EVER WONDER
DO LESBIANS SLEEP WITH TRANS MEN?...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin     ️

Why don't you ever see the Headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'    ️

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word    ️

Why is it that Doctors call what they do 'practice'    ️

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons     ️

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker     ️

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour     ️

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food    ️

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes    ️

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections     ️

You know that Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff  ‼    ️

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains     ️

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?     ️

I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress     ️

If flying is so Safe, why do they call the airport the terminal

LITTLE-KNOWN FACT IS THAT WHILE JEWS MAKE UP ABOUT 2% OF THE U.S. POPULATION, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN THEY MADE UP 50% OF THE COMEDIANS (ACCORDING TO A UC BERKELEY PROFESSOR WHO STUDIES HUMOUR).
Eg- Red Buttons, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Danny Kaye, Groucho Marx, Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner, Gene Wilder, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Don Rickles, Jack Benny and many others.
There was never a single swear word in any of their comedy routines. Here are a few examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer it!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

A-a-h! Memories of the good ole days

The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire to. This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.  His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. "May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.  "I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?" "I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?
That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb."

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here. The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.' Man - 'That's nice.' Boy - 'Want to buy it?' Man - 'No, thanks.' Boy - 'My dad's outside.' Man - 'OK, how much?' Boy - '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.' Man - 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have football boots.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK. How much this time?' Boy - '$750' Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.' The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?' The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for $1,000.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of  getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. i decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.  When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

We received about 100mm of snow yesterday and 8:00 am: I made a snowman

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:22 - The transgender man.. women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not used to decorate snow figures.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:30 - I used food colouring to make one of the snow couple a different colour and be more racially inclusive.

8:37 - Then accused of using a black face on the snowperson.

8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered.

8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The 'council on equality' officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from the ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and I am now a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding that I be arrested.
#
9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.

10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...

Moral...There isn’t a moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes.

It's Wise to Listen to Directions... A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.' The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.So, after thinking it over a while,the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex... You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things'
'Your call,' says the bartender... 'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the darn tequila?' He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... But he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds. Then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
Two French nuns had just arrived in the USA by boat and one said to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?

Murphy's Other 15 Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 5 0-50 chance of getting something right there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10.             If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11.              The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12.             Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13.             Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14.             God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15.             When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.   Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.   So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.   She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.   Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some Excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.   She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.   She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.   She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.   So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.   She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

The History of the Middle Finger:

Well, now...here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.
Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, 'See, we can still pluck yew'! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It's also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT'S STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make
You your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., pissed out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. All in all, one hell of a performance Dad."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed.....
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected.

You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was ...very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE, and quite possibly true.

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

(scroll down)

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

1. PENSION SEX

Two men were talking.

"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex."

"Pension sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

2. LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,

"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my
husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural."

"I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

3. QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session,

"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"

4. ARGUMENT SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary.

The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever.'"

"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

5. WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will
make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the
bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back
in.

6. ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 97
year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her
if she had anything to say in her defence.

She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 97, if he could
still have sex...he could also probably fly.

This guy was the perfect Robin Hood, only he kept the proceeds for himself. As my father used to say … “charity starts at home”. He didn’t include car washes or anything special, he followed the cardinal rule of success. Keep it simple! Cheap parking.
I love this guy and can’t quite fathom if it’s the “Robin Hood ‘’ aspect, the audacity and genius of the endeavor or the fact it highlights how inept all our local governments really are from Vancouver to Vladivostok and everywhere in between . But I am somehow happy for this man who benefited from his daring.

A man at the Bristol Zoo in the United Kingdom has been collecting money off every car parked in the car park attached to the zoo. Nobody is entirely sure when (exactly) he started but it was definitely recorded as more than 20-years ago. It is thought, he has been doing this for between 20 and 25 years. He charges 3 quid per car for parking and is an institution in Bristol – everybody knew him. Or thought they did. Teenage kids who befriended him when brought by parents, introduced their children to him years later.

Such a happy fellow. Not a care in the world.
Now for most who don’t know, the Bristol Zoo has two car parks PLUS an overflow parking area that can hold a FURTHER 700 cars on public land designated for recreation. This is a busy zoo.
We are not talking about 10 or so odd parking spots here. This is parking on a massive commercial scale and operational every single day.

And the beauty of this scam is that it is because the attendant WAS NOT at his post one morning, that the scam was revealed. Like the mythical postman who delivers in any weather, for more than 20-years, come rain or shine, this attendant was at his post collecting his parking fee. In cash! He never missed a day and consequently there was no need to investigate the situation.
Like something you pass every day but do not recognize till its gone, this chap just blended into the Bristol panorama.
Who hasn’t got £3.00 on them. It’s cheap by UK standards. Only … it was always actually free.
If you calculate that he only had 500 cars a day for half the days of the year, and then halve that number again just to be conservative, it equals £5 200.00 a week. Tax free. Over 23 years (an average) that’s £ 6.3 million. That’s roughly $8.7 million US dollars. Again :- tax free!

I’m sure there were days when he could have over 1500 cars arrive and park. One parking could be used 3 or 4 times in one day. This made Robin Hood look like a beginner.
His only investment was a high-vis jacket and a cheap sign. Brilliant.
On the Monday morning he didn’t arrive, the A-frame car park sign had a note stuck to it saying –
“Parking Attendant Retired to Spain”.

It was only at this point that the local Council were contacted because people didn’t know who to leave the parking fee money with. After some checking, the Council informed the Zoo that they had never had a person on salary collecting parking fees nor did they charge for parking.

Obviously the zoo hadn’t hired him either. He was simply an opportunist!
How brilliant is that. Nobody knows who this man is, except that he was ever so polite and helpful. If you couldn’t pay – he’d laugh and just say – “I’ll remember you for next time. It’ll be double.” And people returned to honour this arrangement.
Mrs Betty Crocker from Pudding Lane says, “I made sure to give him £6.00 the next time I took the children!”, she was gobsmacked at the news it was always free!

Mr. L. Pride, landlord of “The Red Lion” pub in Bristol told The Gazette that “he always supplied me with pound coins for change and for the gambling machines and pool tables in the pub. I used to give him his Sunday roast for free for providing me weekly with the change requirements to run my machines – saved me going to the bank! But I did always wonder if his beard was fake!”
To the man, whoever you are, who worked hard parking cars in Bristol Zoo, for more than 20-years, who today is relaxed on a deck chair on a Spanish beach enjoying a pint and his well earned retirement.
Good on ya, son! Enjoy that pint, you’ve earned it!

Although in more recent news :- I’ve heard a new bearded bloke from England is selling deck chairs on some public Spanish beach for 3.00 Euro a day, which is really cheap. And nobody knows who he is. But he’s doing a roaring trade!
Could it be …?

The Dot
Finally someone has cleared this mystery up...
For centuries Hindu women have worn a dot (Tikka) on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a:
        A - Taxi licence in Adelaide.
        B - Convenience store in Melbourne.
        C - Service station in Perth.
        D - Kebab shop in Brisbane.
        E - Take away café in Sydney.

If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering telephones

Fifty Shades of Grey
By Pam Ayres

The missus bought a Paperback,
Down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Ethel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Ethel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!

Now if you knew our Ethel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
And stood on her left tit!

Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Husband's call:
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I
was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have
checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my
head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal
injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the
left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife's Response:
"Who is Paula?"

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER, BC
"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."

AT AN OPTOMETRIST’S OFFICE :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
Come to the right place."

ON A PLUMBER’S TRUCK:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay."

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - this truck is full of Political Promises."

Desert Heat - It's a Garb Thing......
A young Arab boy asks his father "What is that strange head piece you are wearing?"
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a chechia, In the desert it protects our head from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is this clothing you are wearing?" asked the boy.
"This long flowing robe seems so....."
"Oh, my son!" exclaimed the father "It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.'
As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing.
My djbellah protects the entire body,"
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?"
"These are 'babouches' my son," the father replied.
You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot.
These babouches' keep us from burning our feet."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son..."
"Why are you living in Lakemba Sydney and still wearing all this shit ??

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:
“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.
“What have you done?” asked the priest.
“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library.
I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping.
“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest.
“But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbour asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalised and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried.
“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest.
“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried.
“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest.
“So what should I do father?” the man asked.
“Well” answered the priest,

“you should get the f out of here before it starts raining!”

The Times reported that NZ transgender female (sic), Lauren Hubbard, was "eliminated without registering a score at the snatch in the +87class at the Tokyo Olympics.
Well, Daaah! Clearly, one of the judges pulled her pants down, and guess what, no snatch.
Had Lauren got to the jerk stage of the event, she would have creamed 'em.

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the HEAVIEST element yet known to science.
AND yes ... it was discovered in Australia, which is now the leading producer.
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years.
It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness.
I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the
refrigerator.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "close enough."

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Retirement To Do list: Wake up. Nailed it!

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the
point. The glass is refillable.

Retired: under new management. See spouse for details.

When you can't find the sunshine . . . be the sunshine.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.

My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please,
please, eat a salad!

Never laugh at your spouse's choices. You are one of them.

One minute you're young and fun. The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it's a beautiful day.

Only a Texan would think of this:
From the South where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in A small Texan town.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off: it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the proud Southern man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
BONUS
For those who need to know everything:
******************************
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for
  Blood Plasma.
******************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh, go ahead ...
I'll wait.
****************************** *
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks.
(So, watch your ass!)
****************************** **
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
******************************
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
******************************
The King of Hearts is the only King WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
******************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class..
******************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)
It tells you that women are going in the  'right' direction!
****************************** *****
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
****************************** *****
Most dust particles in your house are made from
DEAD SKIN!
****************************** *******
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
****************************** *******
Walt Disney was afraid
OF MICE!
****************************** ********
PEARLS DISSOLVE
IN VINEGAR!
****************************** ********
The ten most valuable brand names on earth:
Apple, Coca Cola, Google, IBM, Microsoft, GE, McDonalds, Samsung, Intel, and Toyota, in that order.
                            WRONG!!!!!!

****************************** ***********
It IS possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but, NOT downstairs.
****************************** **********
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.
****************************** *********
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
****************************** ********
And the best for last!
Turtles can breathe through their BUTTS!
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)
So!
  Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on..and go move your toothbrush! And stop folding that DAMN PAPER!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
AND FINALLY...
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

An 80-year-old man is having a drink at the Arms. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.

After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's one other condition.”

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house.”

Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains.

A Different Kind of American Success Story
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoeshine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.
One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?" The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?" The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
"What's your name? " asked the executive. John H. Smith was the reply.
The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith? "Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with $ 12.6 million dollars in his account."
The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."
At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."
Mr. Smith began his story.

"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.
When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me $ 12.6 million dollars."

COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
(This may be the most truthful)

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Well, here's a great idea!

Watch your wedding video backwards.

The night starts with you getting a root ...

Then you have a great time, good food & drink and sober up without a hangover ...

You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back down the aisle, jump in the car & fuck off with your mates.

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight old bastard.!''

Will You Live to see 85?
Here's something to think about:
I recently picked a new GP. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (I've just reached 80).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much; my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?
'No,' I said..
He looked at me and said,.. "Then, why the f**k do you want to live to 90?"
.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!”
Herman replied, “It’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!”

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.”
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.”

A combined BBQ & Beer Cooler
This, surely, is Aussie engineering at its very best!

When you're finished barbequing and the ice has melted, just pull the handle and the fire goes out.
OMG ... is this a great country, or what?

"Dear Lord: This last year has been very tough. You have taken my favorite actors Sean Connery, Kirk Douglas and Diana Rigg; my favorite television host, Alex Trebek; Carl Reiner from 'Your Show of Shows'; my favorite singer from the 50's, Little Richard; even Charlie Daniels and Kenny Rogers my two favorite country western singers; and from sports you took Gale Sayers and my favorite basketball player Kobe Bryant."

"I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Joe Biden & Donald Trump

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, far more men are riding my invention than yours'.

Chemistry test question.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and consider the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fucked, laddie?"
The man broke into a very big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!

Two Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair"
Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune".
"Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie ixcint."'
‘No worries’, smiled Jeanette, ‘I'll keep my mouth shut.'
They go in and Trevor says,

'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'
'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Trevor. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners!'

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE CALIFORNIA STYLE
This is a sad story of the depression that can haunt a man.
Marcel was sick and tired of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.
Marcel drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.
Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Marcel from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.

In a recent polling of 585 NFL players, nearly all of them were unsure of exactly what they were protesting.
Here's a sampling of responses to the question: "What are you protesting by kneeling during the National Anthem?"
"Pretty sure it's against Nazis - especially the white ones."
"We're protesting America becoming capitalistic instead of equal."
"I'm protesting against Trump saying black lives don't matter."
"We're against global warming and the police.."
"We're showing the world that we care about, ah, things such as... such as...ah, freedom from suppression?"
"Me and my fellow players are protesting the Constitution of Independence because of what it does to people of color."
"We are displaying our right to stand up by kneeling for our beliefs."
"We are protesting Trump, because he, you know, keeping the black man down."
"Myself is kneeling to show that just because I'm American don't mean I got to act like one."
(All above comments are from National Football League players with 4 years of an American College “E-d-u-c-a-t-i-o-n”.

Average player salary $1,900,000.

A pair of Siamese twins walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, and on the left here is Jim. We'll have two VB's, thanks."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday recently, lads?"
"Off to the States next month," says John. "We go to the States every year, hire a nice car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, The States!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ...... the people, climate, the beer, the culture .. .. ..."
"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Aussie meat pies, chips, and VB, that's us, hey, Jim? Jim agrees.
And we can't stand the Yanks, not civil and polite like us Aussies."
"So why keep going to the States?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.....

A doctor, whom an 80-year-old woman who had been consulting most of her life, has finally retired. At her next check-up, the young new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in my 16-year-old granddaughter's glass of orange juice. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." Gotta love grandmas!

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to
get off 4 stops ago!"

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard-put to think of 7 advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally in desperation, just before the bell rang to end the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get to it. He got an A grade.

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won't ask for directions."

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!
Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says, "Ye did nae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says, "Ye still did nae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huv te come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living s**t out of the lawyer and says, "Da eye want me to stop, or just slow down?"

I tried this Covid 19 Test and it truly works!!!!!
A new and easy test for the horror of Covid- 19 is making the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it; then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there.
Then drink it. If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom.
I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness.
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms.
I'll report my results later.

A man and his wife walk past a fancy restaurant. “Did you smell that food?” she asked. “It smells absolutely incredible!”
Being a “kind hearted- man’, he thought! What the Hell! I’ll treat her.
So they walked past it again.

First Day at the Senior Complex
On her first day at the Senior Complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females."
"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180."
"Are there any questions?"
At this point, an old man stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a Season Pass ”

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo — she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Oysters. Lobster. Champagne .
The whole nine yards
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a root tonight."
I said, "Would you care for dessert?

BILLIARDS QUESTION ...
THIS IS FOR ALL MY REALLY "OLD" FRIENDS WHO KNOW ALL THE RULES ABOUT EVERYTHING.
I COULD FIND NO REGULATION ON WHETHER YOU HAVE TO USE THE CUE IN YOUR RIGHT OR LEFT HAND OR IF USING A BRIDGE ON THE TABLE FOR BALANCE IS ALLOWED.
BUT I'M NOT NEARLY AS BIG A "SPORTSMAN" AS MOST OF YOU, SO I DON'T KNOW ALL THE RULES.
All you snooker and pool players ...the question has come up?
Is this Cheating??

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”

******

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

******

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

******

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...
Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough !

******

Why do women live a Better, Longer & More Peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!" (Uh-Oh)

******
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!

******

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "

--

THE WASHINGTON FORESKINS: I think all sports fans and most everybody else will get a kick out of this letter written to the Chicago Tribune. No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this guy is hilarious...
This is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.
Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly jilted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives. I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children. The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our> children.
The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.
As a die-hard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers?
I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to every last dick-head in Washington D. C. However, that may offend the Jewish Community......damn!.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walks into a local Hooters.
The place is hopping with music and loud conversation and, strangely, every once in a while, the lights will turn off. And every time the lights would come back, the place would erupt into cheers.
When the revelers notice the nun, the place goes dead silent.
Our nun walks to the bartender and asks: “ May I please use the bathroom?”
The bartender replies: “ OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there, wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll look the other way.” Says the nun
After a few minutes, she comes out, and the whole place stops just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
Quite surprised, the nun goes to the bartender and says: “ Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the bathroom?”
“ Well, now they know you’re one of us,” says the bartender, smiling, “Would you like a drink?”
“ No thank you, but I still don’t understand,” says the nun , now really puzzled.
“You see,” laughs the bartender, “ every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now how about that drink?”

A Jaguar mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the engine of an E-Type when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in the garage.
The cardiac surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and, when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make £30,000 a year and you make £600,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running."

Willys Service Sign ...
Quite a popular make in their day!!! Designer Black too!!! It was a very popular auto then, but I don’t think these signs would pass muster today. They were metal with an enamel finish, and on display at garages.We reckon we are liberated today, but this just shows that freedom of speech and humour have been replaced by litigation from princesses both male and female:

It was a bus tour for senior citizens.
When they arrived at the Three Sisters, in the Blue Mountains, the driver parked the bus and the passengers made their doddering, unsteady descent to the footpath.
As they filed past, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver’s ear. “I’ve been sexually harassed.”
A few seconds later, another old dear stopped and whispered in his ear. ”Driver, I’ve been sexually harassed.”
This kept happening. Soon seven pensioners had complained – whilst others pointed to an old bloke who was crawling around the floor of the bus, looking beneath the seats.
The driver approached him, tapped him on his back and said, “Excuse me sir, I’d like to have a word with you.”
The old bloke looked up and said, “Of course you can, but not right at the moment. You see, I’ve lost my toupee and am trying to find it. I thought I’d found it seven times – but they were all parted in the middle and mine’s parted on the side.”

2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Ged-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name.

In those days the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp Pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".

Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.

A man went into a supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. A very young assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some wanker out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

After receiving numerous customer complaints about their employees’ "plumber’s crack",
a German plumbing firm bought their employees a new t-shirt designed to make their
employees more attractive to the customers.....

Nobody cares because he's white - Where Is The Public Outcry?
Where's the public outcry when a white man yells , ‘I can't breathe!’ ?
Where's the Mainstream Press?
Where's the Department of Justice?
Where's the Government?
Where are the Greens and Independents?
The camera tells the whole story.
This poor bastard is suffocating, and no one cares!

> > These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers
> > are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously
> > have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance
> > threshold for cretins!)
> > ________________________________________________
> > Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
> > A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching
them die.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
> > A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
> > tracks? (Sweden)
> > A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me
> > a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK )
> > A: What did your last slave die of?
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia
> > ? (USA)
> > A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
> > Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not ..
> > Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
> > A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
> > _________________________________________________
> > Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
> > A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
> > A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
..
> > Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
> > A: You are a British politician, right?
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
> > round? (Germany)
> > A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
> > rattlesnake serum. (USA)
> > A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make
good pets.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
> > forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
> > A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> > You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you
go out walking.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
> > you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
> > A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
> > A: Only at Christmas.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
> > A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"
I replied, "I wasn't done and I'm in the middle of finishing up right now"."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age-old question: "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion :
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

In the great days of the British Empire a new commanding officer was sent to a remote African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies, gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc, decreed by protocol, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this entire post. His talent and energy is simply boundless.
Captain Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself".
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
At which point the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.

GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
'NO REPEATS'.."

~~~~~~~~~~
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother
is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."
   ~~~~~~~~~~
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
   ~~~~~~~~~~
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know why I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
   ~~~~~~~~~~
   When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.
   ~~~~~~~~~~
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
~~~~~~~~~~
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper... it's worse when you forget to pull it down.
~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around- KMart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.. what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
~~~~~~~~~~
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"

Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . .. stick around awhile . . .it will!

A Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"

*His funeral service will be held after the corona break.*

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back  On the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think,  Since I'm going to be near the mailbox When I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking   .
I'm going to look for my checks,  But first I need to push the Pepsi aside So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,  And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,  A vase of flowers on the counter Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and  Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter ,  Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,  I'll be looking for the remote, But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,  Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to  Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor
Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Oil Futures Market explained....
I WISH THE STOCK MARKET COULD BE EXPLAINED THIS SIMPLY!!!!!

For my oilfield and non-oilfield buddies who ask how oil was trading at negative $37/bbl last week....
Imagine the following scenario: You pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days because your wife is traveling. This is called a Futures Contract. Unfortunately, lockdown came and you are locked down with your wife at home for the next 60 days. This is called “now you are screwed” , and you cannot fulfill the escort’s Futures Contract.
So now you do not want this woman to show up at your house at all, and try to find anyone of your friends to pass this futures contract to, any neighbors or, anybody... But you find no takers because now everybody is under lockdown with their wives or families. You find you cannot sell this escort commitment because nobody can take delivery of the girl, and there is no where to store her. Nobody can receive the escort at home anymore. Everyone is in full storage.
To make matters worse, not even the pimp (Chicago Mercantile exchange) who sold you the escort girl contract has more room to receive girls because his house is full of girls out of work under lockdown. So now you will pay anyone just to take the girl off your hands. So someone tells you I will take the girl off your hands but you pay me 37 dollars to do it. This is called negative price when you deliver the girl that cost you $500 to the willing buyer and pay him 37 dollars to take delivery.
This in a nutshell is what happened to the Oil Futures Market last week!

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER,
ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE
WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL
COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE
CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED
UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH
A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK
AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A
PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:

"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

How to get to Heaven from Ireland
A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

It's a curious race, the Irish.
Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

Late Monday morning, the grizzled fighter pilot finally regained consciousness…
He found himself in agonizing pain in the base hospital’s ICU, with tubes up every fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He remembered he'd been in a serious flying accident Saturday.
The nurse gave the fighter pilot a serious, deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!

Jacinda Ardern, Prime Minister of Nu Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
Jacinda, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !!
I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground.
It is istimated that the entire Nu Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We will be ruined."
Hilth Munister: "We're going to haf to shup some in from Brutun ?"
PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one."
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"
PM: "I'll call the Aussies. Tell them we need one million condoms, ten unches long and four unches thuck.
That way they'll continue to respect the 'All Blacks'."
Three days later, a delighted Jacinda rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.
She finds one million condoms - 10 unches long, 4 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM"

1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

2. My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name is Heather.

3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 22 and I'm 70. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to the Salvation Army to get all of her clothes back.

9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."

10. If you get an email entitled, "Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton", don't open it, it contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.

She said................ "F... off' "they're for the funeral."

What a beautiful love story!!

Old-Age Problems
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
“Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.”
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven."....

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie). So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes, and the price was right.
The agent asked: “How many children do you have?”
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie; one only has to choose the right words, and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers.

HERE IS WHY PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA APPEAR CONFUSED

> This is hard to believe, but it’s California.
>
> HERE IS WHY PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA APPEAR CONFUSED
>
> Chief Heather Fong is the first SFPD female, lesbian chief of police.
>
> Theresa Sparks, a former male, is president of the San Francisco  Police Commission, and CEO of a multi-million dollar sex toy retailer,  and a transgender woman.
>
> Sgt. Stephan Thorne, a former female, is the first transgender male  SFPD police officer.
>
> Where else are you going to find an Asian lesbian police chief, one  deputy chief who is a woman who was a man, another deputy chief who is  a man who was a woman, and a police commissioner who was a man is now  a woman and whose full-time job is running a dildo store.
>
> Their Representative in Congress is Nancy Pelosi.

“A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.”
― Muhammad Ali

I was in a long queue at 6:45 am today outside Coles waiting for it to open for Pensioners etc. at 7 o’clock.
A young man came over from the car parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned a few minutes later, and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the stomach, then kicked him on the shins forcing the man to fall on the ground.
As the young guy approached the line for the 3rd time he called out : "If you old buggers don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in!"

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Look closely at the picture

Did I tell you that I know why people are hoarding Toilet Paper!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When one person sneezes then everyone around them SHITS themselves

Many of the newer cars have a "Reversing Sensor " that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something .
Who invented this sensor?
Mercedes Benz, or possibly the French or Italian car manufacturers?
No, it was a Chinese farmer by the name of Wang. His invention was simple and effective.
It emits a high-pitch squeal when the vehicle backs into something.
Here's his first prototype.. .

This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
*   My birth date you have on my pension book.
*   It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
*   It is on my National Health card.
*   My driving license.
*   My car insurance.
*   On the last eight damn passports I've had.
*   It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.
*   All those insufferable census forms.
*   Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-fucking-lutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off,
then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know,
the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ............
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
........ However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am- you know, someone like my doctor -
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN !

This surprise announcement follows Ferrari's decision last month to take advantage of the Australian Government's ‘Work for the Dole' Scheme by hiring unemployed Aboriginal youths from Moree for their Formula 1 pit crew.
The decision to hire the youths followed a recent ABC television documentary showing how Aboriginal youths were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's regular pit crew can only do this in 8 seconds with the aid of millions of dollars in high- tech gear.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari was confident the hiring of the Aboriginal youths would give Ferrari a decided advantage over every other F1 team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for during the F1 race on Sunday when, during the first pit stop, the Aboriginal crew changed all four wheels in under 6 seconds but within 32 seconds had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 10 cases of Toohey's New, a Holden ute and a quick look at Jenson Button’s girlfriend in the shower.

ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

by John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought: " Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC".

Tesla Range Extender

The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 87 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $4,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old , and we have
no idea where the hell he is.
***********************************
I like long walks, Especially when they
are taken By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
***************************************************
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, But fortunately my stomach covers them.
********************************************
The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,'
Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
********************************************
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.
********************************************
I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years...
Just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
**************************************
Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Irish Maths Test.........

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss.

"Here's your second question.

Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says,

"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says,

"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,

"Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers,

"A little dog come along and poop by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

The Irishman is now head of Qantas!

I was standing at the bar at the RSL one night. Minding my own business
This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said,
"You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"
I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"
She said, "Yes, I’ve got a pen".
I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're over seventy...............who cares?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said "No... She's pretty good looking....."
When you're over seventy............who cares?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
It cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you're over seventy..............who cares?
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're over seventy..............who the heck cares?

They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.
They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.

They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.
I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.

Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.
They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.

That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.
Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,
He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.

And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.
And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,
But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.

There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,
Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall.
If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar..

When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.
Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.

The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,
And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
--------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 10

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember:

Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c"..
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".
This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f"..
This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, scroll down

Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it,
walk away.

BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike!
  Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs   (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like, and have reconsidered their benefit packages

1.   I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2.   After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3.   Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

4.   A teenage boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD?" Granny replies: " The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"

5.   Wife gets naked and asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humour!"   (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)

6.   A chap's wife's is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.)

7.   I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

8.   I woke up this morning at 9:00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.

9.   My missus packed my bags and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!"

10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

11.   The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"   (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.)

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going?

LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE
I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power”!

I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Rumanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “sorry about the wait.”
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change?”
I said 'Nope, you're still black'

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says me Ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."

An Auckland couple had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in New Zealand was Chinese. And they didn't want to take a chance on having a Chinese baby because neither of them could speak the language.

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME
Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square .
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope . When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL
40 D Breasts
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say,
Oh MY God!!!

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
   2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
4. Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

CONCLUSION:  Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A dog is about to cross a busy road when a chicken rushes out & says "don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it."

Harley Davidson Closing Plants Due to Declining Sales....Why ?

Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles.
Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why.
Here are 25 reasons why Millennials don't ride Harleys:

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough strength to hold the bike up when stopped.
6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency medical care or extensive psychological counseling.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college working on a degree in Humanities, Art History, or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pyjamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen or voice commands.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16. Harleys don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscles to back up.
19. When stopped, a light breeze might blow exhaust fumes in their face and cause nearly instantaneous cancer.
20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-softened water.
21. Harleys burn gasoline and that supports the big oil companies.
22. Can't use both thumbs for texting while riding.
23. Can't use a Harley to earn extra money driving for Uber or Lyft.
24. Harleys don't provide enough sun protection for those spending most of their time playing video games in their Mom's basement.
25. The Harley roar would scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy !!

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realizes he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,
"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?"
The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen, mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive."
So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.
The bartender is speechless.
"Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer."
The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.
"Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?"
The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then."
The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waistcoat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.
"Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it."
In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.
"I'll give you $50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant."
"Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with banknotes before making his exit with the frog.
"Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!"
"Nah," says the man.

"The hamster's a ventriloquist!!..

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapsed from a heart attack! "Help me, dear," she groaned to her husband.
The husband called 911 on his cell phone, talked for a few minutes, picked up his putter, and lined up his putt.
His wife raised her head off the green and stared at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

___________________________

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

___________________________

A young man and a priest were playing together. At a short par-3, the priest asked, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man said, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest said, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hit his 8-iron and put the ball on the green.
The priest topped his 7-iron and dribbled the ball out only a few yards.
The young man said, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

___________________________

Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asked, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" said the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begin to sob, dropped the club, and put her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for five."

___________________________

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it.”

Aaron was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

Rick and his wife, AngieMarie were driving home one very cold night when AngieMarie asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to Rick, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
Rick says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'

Rick is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE
Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a
gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE!

TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It's a Beautiful Day even when it's not.
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."

My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to the Middle East to see for ourselves what the place was like and all the trouble was about. It didn't start well when the bus we where travelling on broke down a few miles north of our final destination.

We were stranded in a third world sh*t hole with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women around us were wearing head to toe burqas.

As the crowd closed in we were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.

Just then, Dave the bus driver suddenly remembered that Lakemba had a train station, so we were able to get safely to Wynyard for the final leg of our journey

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and she understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from the fireman in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

An Obituary printed in the London Times....
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated
such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepchildren;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hearfirst?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, " I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"

The Queen was in Glasgow when she formally met Alex Salmond, Scotland's First Minister.
EIIR: "How nice to see you Mr. Salmond."
AS: "Nice to see you Your Majesty. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?
EIIR: "Oh dear, one hasn't considered that yet!"
AS:   "How about calling it a 'Kingdom' and then I will be King?
EIIR: "One doesn't think that is appropriate."
AS: "How about 'Empire' then I can be an Emperor?
EIIR: "In one's dreams!"
AS: "All right!   So how about calling it a 'Principality' and then I can be a Prince?"
EIIR: "Mr. Salmond!   I think we will let it remain a 'country' and you can carry on as you are."

THE TRUE CAUSE OF OBESITY
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like….
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

This happened on ONTARIO RADIO LIVE:

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."
"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of Ribs."
Across the street, there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods, and on the other side, a liquor store called "Morehammered."
"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”
Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.
And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point, it is midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.

.A.A.D.D.- RECOGNIZE THE SYMPTOMS !
Thank goodness there's FINALLY a name for this disorder.
  "Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder"
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,  I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,  I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back  On the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox When I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.  I take my check book off the table,  And see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study,  So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking  I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, So I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter Catches my eye--they need water.  I put the Pepsi on the counter and Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.  I set the glasses back down on the counter ,  Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
But then I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.  So, I set the remote back on the table,  Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you YET, YOUR day is coming.
P.S.  :  I don't remember who sent this to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry.

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as Oral High Jean.

xxxxxxxxxx

Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
That's nice I thought,
'Two lips from Amsterdam !’

xxxxxxxxxx

My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it....
but when I got home all the signs were there.

sxxxxxxxxxx

My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?"
I told him,
"Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan-shaped tails and live on insects.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on benefits."

xxxxxxxxxx

Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch he said
"It's Houston , we have a problem!"

DO U HAVE A VAGINA???

          Now there is a question you do not get too often...
         A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'
         She slams the door in disgust....
         The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again.
         Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this
guy shows up again'.
         The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
         She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says......
         The man replies Good Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this,   and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie,
large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power”!

I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Roumanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “sorry about the wait.”
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change?”
I said 'Nope, you're still black'

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says me Ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."

It just hit me!
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks ...

My dog must be an Illegal Immigrant.

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

A father went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck boastfully says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis the size of a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are black."

How to Replace Mouse Balls
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
To whom this may concern
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her shit.

Men ' s Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!

Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.

Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die...

_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Lansdowne Hotel Pizza Menu

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Hull Pair in Hospital A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Vintage film fan and part time 'plus size' model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Black Ink Tattoo Emporium in Carr Lane last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.
Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in her buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse up to my roll-up and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

Jason and Tracey were taken to Hull Royal Infirmary A&E where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

“I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go, and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me up on his bench on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the Humberside Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.... “he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota.
He shot a bird, but it fell into the field on the other side of the fence
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and,
if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota.
We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What’s the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Don’t you just love old people!!!

The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man... Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

Jane married Ted and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.
Jane again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Jane finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs"

Globalization?

Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization ?
Answer :  Princess Diana's death.
Question:
How come?
Answer : An English Princess  with an  Egyptian boyfriend crashes  in a French tunnel,  riding in a German  car with a  Dutch engine, driven  by a Belgian who was  drunk on  Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you  change the spelling), followed
closely by Italian  Paparazzi, on  Japanese motorcycles, treated  by an American doctor,  using Brazilian  medicines.
This is  sent to you by an Australian, using American  Bill Gates' technology, and  you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips,  and a Korean  monitor, assembled  by Bangladeshi  workers in a  Singapore plant, transported  by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by  Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexicans who are in the US illegally because the previous president,who presided then was educated as a Muslim in Indonesia and refused to enforce US law.

That, my friends, is  Globalization  !

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said,"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said,"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now !

A 5 year old boy and his 3 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says: 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, shit Mum, I don't know, I think I’ll have some Cornflakes.'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do you want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Cornflakes!'