Will You Live to see 85?
Here's something to think about:
I recently picked a new GP. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (I've just reached 80).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much; my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?
'No,' I said..
He looked at me and said,.. "Then, why the f**k do you want to live to 90?"
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Here's something to think about:
I recently picked a new GP. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (I've just reached 80).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much; my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?
'No,' I said..
He looked at me and said,.. "Then, why the f**k do you want to live to 90?"
.
A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!”
Herman replied, “It’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!”
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!”
Herman replied, “It’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!”
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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.”
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.”
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.”
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.”
A combined BBQ & Beer Cooler
This, surely, is Aussie engineering at its very best!
This, surely, is Aussie engineering at its very best!
When you're finished barbequing and the ice has melted, just pull the handle and the fire goes out.
OMG ... is this a great country, or what?
OMG ... is this a great country, or what?
"Dear Lord: This last year has been very tough. You have taken my favorite actors Sean Connery, Kirk Douglas and Diana Rigg; my favorite television host, Alex Trebek; Carl Reiner from 'Your Show of Shows'; my favorite singer from the 50's, Little Richard; even Charlie Daniels and Kenny Rogers my two favorite country western singers; and from sports you took Gale Sayers and my favorite basketball player Kobe Bryant."
"I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Joe Biden & Donald Trump
"I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Joe Biden & Donald Trump
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, far more men are riding my invention than yours'.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, far more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Chemistry test question.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and consider the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fucked, laddie?"
The man broke into a very big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fucked, laddie?"
The man broke into a very big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."
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Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!
Two Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.
Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair"
Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune".
"Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie ixcint."'
‘No worries’, smiled Jeanette, ‘I'll keep my mouth shut.'
They go in and Trevor says,
'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'
'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Trevor. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'
The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners!'
Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair"
Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune".
"Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie ixcint."'
‘No worries’, smiled Jeanette, ‘I'll keep my mouth shut.'
They go in and Trevor says,
'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'
'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Trevor. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'
The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners!'
Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE CALIFORNIA STYLE
This is a sad story of the depression that can haunt a man.
Marcel was sick and tired of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.
Marcel drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.
Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Marcel from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.
This is a sad story of the depression that can haunt a man.
Marcel was sick and tired of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.
Marcel drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.
Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Marcel from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.
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In a recent polling of 585 NFL players, nearly all of them were unsure of exactly what they were protesting.
Here's a sampling of responses to the question: "What are you protesting by kneeling during the National Anthem?"
"Pretty sure it's against Nazis - especially the white ones."
"We're protesting America becoming capitalistic instead of equal."
"I'm protesting against Trump saying black lives don't matter."
"We're against global warming and the police.."
"We're showing the world that we care about, ah, things such as... such as...ah, freedom from suppression?"
"Me and my fellow players are protesting the Constitution of Independence because of what it does to people of color."
"We are displaying our right to stand up by kneeling for our beliefs."
"We are protesting Trump, because he, you know, keeping the black man down."
"Myself is kneeling to show that just because I'm American don't mean I got to act like one."
(All above comments are from National Football League players with 4 years of an American College “E-d-u-c-a-t-i-o-n”.
Average player salary $1,900,000.
Here's a sampling of responses to the question: "What are you protesting by kneeling during the National Anthem?"
"Pretty sure it's against Nazis - especially the white ones."
"We're protesting America becoming capitalistic instead of equal."
"I'm protesting against Trump saying black lives don't matter."
"We're against global warming and the police.."
"We're showing the world that we care about, ah, things such as... such as...ah, freedom from suppression?"
"Me and my fellow players are protesting the Constitution of Independence because of what it does to people of color."
"We are displaying our right to stand up by kneeling for our beliefs."
"We are protesting Trump, because he, you know, keeping the black man down."
"Myself is kneeling to show that just because I'm American don't mean I got to act like one."
(All above comments are from National Football League players with 4 years of an American College “E-d-u-c-a-t-i-o-n”.
Average player salary $1,900,000.
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A pair of Siamese twins walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, and on the left here is Jim. We'll have two VB's, thanks."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday recently, lads?"
"Off to the States next month," says John. "We go to the States every year, hire a nice car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, The States!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ...... the people, climate, the beer, the culture .. .. ..."
"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Aussie meat pies, chips, and VB, that's us, hey, Jim? Jim agrees.
And we can't stand the Yanks, not civil and polite like us Aussies."
"So why keep going to the States?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.....
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday recently, lads?"
"Off to the States next month," says John. "We go to the States every year, hire a nice car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, The States!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ...... the people, climate, the beer, the culture .. .. ..."
"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Aussie meat pies, chips, and VB, that's us, hey, Jim? Jim agrees.
And we can't stand the Yanks, not civil and polite like us Aussies."
"So why keep going to the States?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.....
A doctor, whom an 80-year-old woman who had been consulting most of her life, has finally retired. At her next check-up, the young new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in my 16-year-old granddaughter's glass of orange juice. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." Gotta love grandmas!
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to
get off 4 stops ago!"
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard-put to think of 7 advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally in desperation, just before the bell rang to end the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get to it. He got an A grade.
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won't ask for directions."
"Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in my 16-year-old granddaughter's glass of orange juice. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." Gotta love grandmas!
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to
get off 4 stops ago!"
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard-put to think of 7 advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally in desperation, just before the bell rang to end the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get to it. He got an A grade.
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won't ask for directions."
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!
Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says, "Ye did nae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says, "Ye still did nae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huv te come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living s**t out of the lawyer and says, "Da eye want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says, "Ye did nae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says, "Ye still did nae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huv te come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living s**t out of the lawyer and says, "Da eye want me to stop, or just slow down?"
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I tried this Covid 19 Test and it truly works!!!!!
A new and easy test for the horror of Covid- 19 is making the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it; then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there.
Then drink it. If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom.
I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness.
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms.
I'll report my results later.
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A man and his wife walk past a fancy restaurant. “Did you smell that food?” she asked. “It smells absolutely incredible!”
Being a “kind hearted- man’, he thought! What the Hell! I’ll treat her.
So they walked past it again.
First Day at the Senior Complex
On her first day at the Senior Complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females."
"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180."
"Are there any questions?"
At this point, an old man stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a Season Pass ”
On her first day at the Senior Complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females."
"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180."
"Are there any questions?"
At this point, an old man stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a Season Pass ”
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A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo — she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo — she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Oysters. Lobster. Champagne .
The whole nine yards
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a root tonight."
I said, "Would you care for dessert?
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Oysters. Lobster. Champagne .
The whole nine yards
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a root tonight."
I said, "Would you care for dessert?
BILLIARDS QUESTION ...
THIS IS FOR ALL MY REALLY "OLD" FRIENDS WHO KNOW ALL THE RULES ABOUT EVERYTHING.
I COULD FIND NO REGULATION ON WHETHER YOU HAVE TO USE THE CUE IN YOUR RIGHT OR LEFT HAND OR IF USING A BRIDGE ON THE TABLE FOR BALANCE IS ALLOWED.
BUT I'M NOT NEARLY AS BIG A "SPORTSMAN" AS MOST OF YOU, SO I DON'T KNOW ALL THE RULES.
All you snooker and pool players ...the question has come up?
Is this Cheating??
THIS IS FOR ALL MY REALLY "OLD" FRIENDS WHO KNOW ALL THE RULES ABOUT EVERYTHING.
I COULD FIND NO REGULATION ON WHETHER YOU HAVE TO USE THE CUE IN YOUR RIGHT OR LEFT HAND OR IF USING A BRIDGE ON THE TABLE FOR BALANCE IS ALLOWED.
BUT I'M NOT NEARLY AS BIG A "SPORTSMAN" AS MOST OF YOU, SO I DON'T KNOW ALL THE RULES.
All you snooker and pool players ...the question has come up?
Is this Cheating??
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Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”
******
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
******
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
******
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...
Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough !
******
Why do women live a Better, Longer & More Peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!" (Uh-Oh)
******
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!
******
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "
--
The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”
******
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
******
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
******
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...
Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough !
******
Why do women live a Better, Longer & More Peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!" (Uh-Oh)
******
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!
******
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "
--
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THE WASHINGTON FORESKINS: I think all sports fans and most everybody else will get a kick out of this letter written to the Chicago Tribune. No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this guy is hilarious...
This is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.
Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly jilted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives. I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children. The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our> children.
The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.
As a die-hard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers?
I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to every last dick-head in Washington D. C. However, that may offend the Jewish Community......damn!.
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A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walks into a local Hooters.
The place is hopping with music and loud conversation and, strangely, every once in a while, the lights will turn off. And every time the lights would come back, the place would erupt into cheers.
When the revelers notice the nun, the place goes dead silent.
Our nun walks to the bartender and asks: “ May I please use the bathroom?”
The bartender replies: “ OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there, wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll look the other way.” Says the nun
After a few minutes, she comes out, and the whole place stops just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
Quite surprised, the nun goes to the bartender and says: “ Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the bathroom?”
“ Well, now they know you’re one of us,” says the bartender, smiling, “Would you like a drink?”
“ No thank you, but I still don’t understand,” says the nun , now really puzzled.
“You see,” laughs the bartender, “ every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now how about that drink?”
The place is hopping with music and loud conversation and, strangely, every once in a while, the lights will turn off. And every time the lights would come back, the place would erupt into cheers.
When the revelers notice the nun, the place goes dead silent.
Our nun walks to the bartender and asks: “ May I please use the bathroom?”
The bartender replies: “ OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there, wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll look the other way.” Says the nun
After a few minutes, she comes out, and the whole place stops just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
Quite surprised, the nun goes to the bartender and says: “ Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the bathroom?”
“ Well, now they know you’re one of us,” says the bartender, smiling, “Would you like a drink?”
“ No thank you, but I still don’t understand,” says the nun , now really puzzled.
“You see,” laughs the bartender, “ every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now how about that drink?”
A Jaguar mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the engine of an E-Type when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in the garage.
The cardiac surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and, when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make £30,000 a year and you make £600,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running."
Willys Service Sign ...
Quite a popular make in their day!!! Designer Black too!!! It was a very popular auto then, but I don’t think these signs would pass muster today. They were metal with an enamel finish, and on display at garages.We reckon we are liberated today, but this just shows that freedom of speech and humour have been replaced by litigation from princesses both male and female:
Quite a popular make in their day!!! Designer Black too!!! It was a very popular auto then, but I don’t think these signs would pass muster today. They were metal with an enamel finish, and on display at garages.We reckon we are liberated today, but this just shows that freedom of speech and humour have been replaced by litigation from princesses both male and female:
It was a bus tour for senior citizens.
When they arrived at the Three Sisters, in the Blue Mountains, the driver parked the bus and the passengers made their doddering, unsteady descent to the footpath.
As they filed past, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver’s ear. “I’ve been sexually harassed.”
A few seconds later, another old dear stopped and whispered in his ear. ”Driver, I’ve been sexually harassed.”
This kept happening. Soon seven pensioners had complained – whilst others pointed to an old bloke who was crawling around the floor of the bus, looking beneath the seats.
The driver approached him, tapped him on his back and said, “Excuse me sir, I’d like to have a word with you.”
The old bloke looked up and said, “Of course you can, but not right at the moment. You see, I’ve lost my toupee and am trying to find it. I thought I’d found it seven times – but they were all parted in the middle and mine’s parted on the side.”
When they arrived at the Three Sisters, in the Blue Mountains, the driver parked the bus and the passengers made their doddering, unsteady descent to the footpath.
As they filed past, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver’s ear. “I’ve been sexually harassed.”
A few seconds later, another old dear stopped and whispered in his ear. ”Driver, I’ve been sexually harassed.”
This kept happening. Soon seven pensioners had complained – whilst others pointed to an old bloke who was crawling around the floor of the bus, looking beneath the seats.
The driver approached him, tapped him on his back and said, “Excuse me sir, I’d like to have a word with you.”
The old bloke looked up and said, “Of course you can, but not right at the moment. You see, I’ve lost my toupee and am trying to find it. I thought I’d found it seven times – but they were all parted in the middle and mine’s parted on the side.”
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2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Ged-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name.
In those days the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp Pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".
Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.
In those days the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp Pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".
Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.
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A man went into a supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. A very young assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some wanker out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some wanker out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
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After receiving numerous customer complaints about their employees’ "plumber’s crack",
a German plumbing firm bought their employees a new t-shirt designed to make their employees more attractive to the customers..... 
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Nobody cares because he's white - Where Is The Public Outcry?
Where's the public outcry when a white man yells , ‘I can't breathe!’ ?
Where's the Mainstream Press?
Where's the Department of Justice?
Where's the Government?
Where are the Greens and Independents?
The camera tells the whole story.
This poor bastard is suffocating, and no one cares!
> > These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers
> > are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously
> > have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance
> > threshold for cretins!)
> > ________________________________________________
> > Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
> > A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching
them die.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
> > A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
> > tracks? (Sweden)
> > A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me
> > a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK )
> > A: What did your last slave die of?
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia
> > ? (USA)
> > A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
> > Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not ..
> > Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
> > A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
> > _________________________________________________
> > Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
> > A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
> > A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
..
> > Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
> > A: You are a British politician, right?
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
> > round? (Germany)
> > A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
> > rattlesnake serum. (USA)
> > A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make
good pets.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
> > forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
> > A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> > You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you
go out walking.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
> > you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
> > A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
> > A: Only at Christmas.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
> > A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
> > are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously
> > have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance
> > threshold for cretins!)
> > ________________________________________________
> > Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
> > A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching
them die.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
> > A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
> > tracks? (Sweden)
> > A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me
> > a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK )
> > A: What did your last slave die of?
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia
> > ? (USA)
> > A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
> > Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not ..
> > Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
> > A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
> > _________________________________________________
> > Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
> > A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
> > A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
..
> > Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
> > A: You are a British politician, right?
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
> > round? (Germany)
> > A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
> > rattlesnake serum. (USA)
> > A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make
good pets.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
> > forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
> > A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> > You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you
go out walking.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
> > you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
> > A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
> > A: Only at Christmas.
> > __________________________________________________
> > Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
> > A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"
I replied, "I wasn't done and I'm in the middle of finishing up right now"."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age-old question: "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion :
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"
I replied, "I wasn't done and I'm in the middle of finishing up right now"."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age-old question: "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion :
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
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In the great days of the British Empire a new commanding officer was sent to a remote African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies, gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc, decreed by protocol, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this entire post. His talent and energy is simply boundless.
Captain Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself".
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
At which point the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies, gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc, decreed by protocol, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this entire post. His talent and energy is simply boundless.
Captain Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself".
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
At which point the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.
GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
'NO REPEATS'.."
~~~~~~~~~~
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother
is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."
~~~~~~~~~~
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
~~~~~~~~~~
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know why I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
~~~~~~~~~~
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
~~~~~~~~~~
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper... it's worse when you forget to pull it down.
~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around- KMart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.. what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
~~~~~~~~~~
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . .. stick around awhile . . .it will!
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
'NO REPEATS'.."
~~~~~~~~~~
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother
is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."
~~~~~~~~~~
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
~~~~~~~~~~
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know why I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
~~~~~~~~~~
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
~~~~~~~~~~
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper... it's worse when you forget to pull it down.
~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around- KMart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.. what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
~~~~~~~~~~
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . .. stick around awhile . . .it will!
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A Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
*His funeral service will be held after the corona break.*
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A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back On the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think, Since I'm going to be near the mailbox When I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking .
I'm going to look for my checks, But first I need to push the Pepsi aside So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter , Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor
Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back On the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think, Since I'm going to be near the mailbox When I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking .
I'm going to look for my checks, But first I need to push the Pepsi aside So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter Catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter , Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor
Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
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Oil Futures Market explained....
I WISH THE STOCK MARKET COULD BE EXPLAINED THIS SIMPLY!!!!!
For my oilfield and non-oilfield buddies who ask how oil was trading at negative $37/bbl last week....
Imagine the following scenario: You pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days because your wife is traveling. This is called a Futures Contract. Unfortunately, lockdown came and you are locked down with your wife at home for the next 60 days. This is called “now you are screwed” , and you cannot fulfill the escort’s Futures Contract.
So now you do not want this woman to show up at your house at all, and try to find anyone of your friends to pass this futures contract to, any neighbors or, anybody... But you find no takers because now everybody is under lockdown with their wives or families. You find you cannot sell this escort commitment because nobody can take delivery of the girl, and there is no where to store her. Nobody can receive the escort at home anymore. Everyone is in full storage.
To make matters worse, not even the pimp (Chicago Mercantile exchange) who sold you the escort girl contract has more room to receive girls because his house is full of girls out of work under lockdown. So now you will pay anyone just to take the girl off your hands. So someone tells you I will take the girl off your hands but you pay me 37 dollars to do it. This is called negative price when you deliver the girl that cost you $500 to the willing buyer and pay him 37 dollars to take delivery.
This in a nutshell is what happened to the Oil Futures Market last week!
I WISH THE STOCK MARKET COULD BE EXPLAINED THIS SIMPLY!!!!!
For my oilfield and non-oilfield buddies who ask how oil was trading at negative $37/bbl last week....
Imagine the following scenario: You pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days because your wife is traveling. This is called a Futures Contract. Unfortunately, lockdown came and you are locked down with your wife at home for the next 60 days. This is called “now you are screwed” , and you cannot fulfill the escort’s Futures Contract.
So now you do not want this woman to show up at your house at all, and try to find anyone of your friends to pass this futures contract to, any neighbors or, anybody... But you find no takers because now everybody is under lockdown with their wives or families. You find you cannot sell this escort commitment because nobody can take delivery of the girl, and there is no where to store her. Nobody can receive the escort at home anymore. Everyone is in full storage.
To make matters worse, not even the pimp (Chicago Mercantile exchange) who sold you the escort girl contract has more room to receive girls because his house is full of girls out of work under lockdown. So now you will pay anyone just to take the girl off your hands. So someone tells you I will take the girl off your hands but you pay me 37 dollars to do it. This is called negative price when you deliver the girl that cost you $500 to the willing buyer and pay him 37 dollars to take delivery.
This in a nutshell is what happened to the Oil Futures Market last week!
TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER,
ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE
WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL
COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE
CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED
UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH
A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK
AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A
PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:
"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE
WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL
COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE
CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED
UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH
A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK
AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A
PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.
HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:
"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."
How to get to Heaven from Ireland
A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'
It's a curious race, the Irish.
Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'
It's a curious race, the Irish.
Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
Late Monday morning, the grizzled fighter pilot finally regained consciousness…
He found himself in agonizing pain in the base hospital’s ICU, with tubes up every fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He remembered he'd been in a serious flying accident Saturday.
The nurse gave the fighter pilot a serious, deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
He found himself in agonizing pain in the base hospital’s ICU, with tubes up every fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He remembered he'd been in a serious flying accident Saturday.
The nurse gave the fighter pilot a serious, deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
Jacinda Ardern, Prime Minister of Nu Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
Jacinda, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !!
I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground.
It is istimated that the entire Nu Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We will be ruined."
Hilth Munister: "We're going to haf to shup some in from Brutun ?"
PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one."
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"
PM: "I'll call the Aussies. Tell them we need one million condoms, ten unches long and four unches thuck.
That way they'll continue to respect the 'All Blacks'."
Three days later, a delighted Jacinda rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.
She finds one million condoms - 10 unches long, 4 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.
"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM"
Jacinda, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !!
I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground.
It is istimated that the entire Nu Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We will be ruined."
Hilth Munister: "We're going to haf to shup some in from Brutun ?"
PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one."
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"
PM: "I'll call the Aussies. Tell them we need one million condoms, ten unches long and four unches thuck.
That way they'll continue to respect the 'All Blacks'."
Three days later, a delighted Jacinda rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.
She finds one million condoms - 10 unches long, 4 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.
"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM"
1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
2. My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name is Heather.
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 22 and I'm 70. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to the Salvation Army to get all of her clothes back.
9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."
10. If you get an email entitled, "Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton", don't open it, it contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
2. My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name is Heather.
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 22 and I'm 70. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to the Salvation Army to get all of her clothes back.
9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."
10. If you get an email entitled, "Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton", don't open it, it contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
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Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.
She said................ "F... off' "they're for the funeral."
What a beautiful love story!!
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.
She said................ "F... off' "they're for the funeral."
What a beautiful love story!!
Old-Age Problems
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
“Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.”
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until seven."....
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
“Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.”
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until seven."....
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A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie). So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes, and the price was right.
The agent asked: “How many children do you have?”
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie; one only has to choose the right words, and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers.
When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie). So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes, and the price was right.
The agent asked: “How many children do you have?”
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie; one only has to choose the right words, and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers.
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HERE IS WHY PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA APPEAR CONFUSED
> This is hard to believe, but it’s California.
>
> HERE IS WHY PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA APPEAR CONFUSED
>
> Chief Heather Fong is the first SFPD female, lesbian chief of police.
>
> Theresa Sparks, a former male, is president of the San Francisco Police Commission, and CEO of a multi-million dollar sex toy retailer, and a transgender woman.
>
> Sgt. Stephan Thorne, a former female, is the first transgender male SFPD police officer.
>
> Where else are you going to find an Asian lesbian police chief, one deputy chief who is a woman who was a man, another deputy chief who is a man who was a woman, and a police commissioner who was a man is now a woman and whose full-time job is running a dildo store.
>
> Their Representative in Congress is Nancy Pelosi.
“A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.”
― Muhammad Ali
> This is hard to believe, but it’s California.
>
> HERE IS WHY PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA APPEAR CONFUSED
>
> Chief Heather Fong is the first SFPD female, lesbian chief of police.
>
> Theresa Sparks, a former male, is president of the San Francisco Police Commission, and CEO of a multi-million dollar sex toy retailer, and a transgender woman.
>
> Sgt. Stephan Thorne, a former female, is the first transgender male SFPD police officer.
>
> Where else are you going to find an Asian lesbian police chief, one deputy chief who is a woman who was a man, another deputy chief who is a man who was a woman, and a police commissioner who was a man is now a woman and whose full-time job is running a dildo store.
>
> Their Representative in Congress is Nancy Pelosi.
“A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.”
― Muhammad Ali
I was in a long queue at 6:45 am today outside Coles waiting for it to open for Pensioners etc. at 7 o’clock.
A young man came over from the car parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned a few minutes later, and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the stomach, then kicked him on the shins forcing the man to fall on the ground.
As the young guy approached the line for the 3rd time he called out : "If you old buggers don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in!"
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
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Look closely at the picture
Did I tell you that I know why people are hoarding Toilet Paper!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When one person sneezes then everyone around them SHITS themselves
Many of the newer cars have a "Reversing Sensor " that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something .
Who invented this sensor?
Mercedes Benz, or possibly the French or Italian car manufacturers?
No, it was a Chinese farmer by the name of Wang. His invention was simple and effective.
It emits a high-pitch squeal when the vehicle backs into something.
Here's his first prototype.. .
Who invented this sensor?
Mercedes Benz, or possibly the French or Italian car manufacturers?
No, it was a Chinese farmer by the name of Wang. His invention was simple and effective.
It emits a high-pitch squeal when the vehicle backs into something.
Here's his first prototype.. .
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This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
* My birth date you have on my pension book.
* It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
* It is on my National Health card.
* My driving license.
* My car insurance.
* On the last eight damn passports I've had.
* It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.
* All those insufferable census forms.
* Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-fucking-lutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!!!!!
I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!!!!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off,
then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know,
the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!
Signed An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ............
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
........ However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am- you know, someone like my doctor -
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN !
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
* My birth date you have on my pension book.
* It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
* It is on my National Health card.
* My driving license.
* My car insurance.
* On the last eight damn passports I've had.
* It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.
* All those insufferable census forms.
* Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-fucking-lutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!!!!!
I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address!!!!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off,
then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know,
the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!
Signed An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ............
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
........ However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am- you know, someone like my doctor -
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN !
This surprise announcement follows Ferrari's decision last month to take advantage of the Australian Government's ‘Work for the Dole' Scheme by hiring unemployed Aboriginal youths from Moree for their Formula 1 pit crew.
The decision to hire the youths followed a recent ABC television documentary showing how Aboriginal youths were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's regular pit crew can only do this in 8 seconds with the aid of millions of dollars in high- tech gear.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari was confident the hiring of the Aboriginal youths would give Ferrari a decided advantage over every other F1 team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for during the F1 race on Sunday when, during the first pit stop, the Aboriginal crew changed all four wheels in under 6 seconds but within 32 seconds had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 10 cases of Toohey's New, a Holden ute and a quick look at Jenson Button’s girlfriend in the shower.
The decision to hire the youths followed a recent ABC television documentary showing how Aboriginal youths were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's regular pit crew can only do this in 8 seconds with the aid of millions of dollars in high- tech gear.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari was confident the hiring of the Aboriginal youths would give Ferrari a decided advantage over every other F1 team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for during the F1 race on Sunday when, during the first pit stop, the Aboriginal crew changed all four wheels in under 6 seconds but within 32 seconds had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 10 cases of Toohey's New, a Holden ute and a quick look at Jenson Button’s girlfriend in the shower.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE
by John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
A final thought: " Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC".
by John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
A final thought: " Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC".
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Tesla Range Extender
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 87 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $4,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old , and we have
no idea where the hell he is.
***********************************
I like long walks, Especially when they
are taken By people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
***************************************************
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, But fortunately my stomach covers them.
********************************************
The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,'
Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
********************************************
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.
********************************************
I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years...
Just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
**************************************
Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 87 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $4,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old , and we have
no idea where the hell he is.
***********************************
I like long walks, Especially when they
are taken By people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
***************************************************
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, But fortunately my stomach covers them.
********************************************
The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,'
Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
********************************************
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.
********************************************
I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years...
Just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
**************************************
Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave, I look just fine.
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Irish Maths Test.........
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss.
"Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says,
"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says,
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers,
"A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
The Irishman is now head of Qantas!
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss.
"Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says,
"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says,
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers,
"A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
The Irishman is now head of Qantas!
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I was standing at the bar at the RSL one night. Minding my own business
This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said,
"You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"
I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"
She said, "Yes, I’ve got a pen".
I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're over seventy...............who cares?
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I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said "No... She's pretty good looking....."
When you're over seventy............who cares?
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I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
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I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
It cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you're over seventy..............who cares?
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I went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're over seventy..............who the heck cares?
This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said,
"You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"
I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"
She said, "Yes, I’ve got a pen".
I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're over seventy...............who cares?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said "No... She's pretty good looking....."
When you're over seventy............who cares?
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I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
It cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you're over seventy..............who cares?
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I went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're over seventy..............who the heck cares?
They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.
They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.
They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.
I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.
Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.
They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.
That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.
Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,
He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.
And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.
And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,
But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.
There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,
Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall.
If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar..
When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.
Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.
The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,
And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.
They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.
They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.
I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.
Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.
They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.
That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.
Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,
He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.
And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.
And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,
But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.
There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,
Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall.
If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar..
When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.
Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.
The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,
And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
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Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 10
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember:
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c"..
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".
This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f"..
This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, scroll down
Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!
Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it,
walk away.
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, scroll down
Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!
Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it,
walk away.
BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike!
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like, and have reconsidered their benefit packages
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like, and have reconsidered their benefit packages
1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A teenage boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD?" Granny replies: " The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humour!" (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)
6. A chap's wife's is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.)
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I woke up this morning at 9:00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.
9. My missus packed my bags and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!"
10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.)
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A teenage boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD?" Granny replies: " The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humour!" (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)
6. A chap's wife's is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.)
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I woke up this morning at 9:00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.
9. My missus packed my bags and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!"
10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.)
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There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going?
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going?
LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE
I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power”!
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Rumanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “sorry about the wait.”
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change?”
I said 'Nope, you're still black'
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says me Ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."
I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power”!
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Rumanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “sorry about the wait.”
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change?”
I said 'Nope, you're still black'
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says me Ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."
An Auckland couple had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in New Zealand was Chinese. And they didn't want to take a chance on having a Chinese baby because neither of them could speak the language.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in New Zealand was Chinese. And they didn't want to take a chance on having a Chinese baby because neither of them could speak the language.
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME
Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square .
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope . When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL
40 D Breasts
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say,
Oh MY God!!!
Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square .
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope . When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL
40 D Breasts
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say,
Oh MY God!!!
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
4. Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
4. Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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A dog is about to cross a busy road when a chicken rushes out & says "don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it."
Harley Davidson Closing Plants Due to Declining Sales....Why ?
Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles.
Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why.
Here are 25 reasons why Millennials don't ride Harleys:
1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough strength to hold the bike up when stopped.
6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency medical care or extensive psychological counseling.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college working on a degree in Humanities, Art History, or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pyjamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen or voice commands.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16. Harleys don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscles to back up.
19. When stopped, a light breeze might blow exhaust fumes in their face and cause nearly instantaneous cancer.
20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-softened water.
21. Harleys burn gasoline and that supports the big oil companies.
22. Can't use both thumbs for texting while riding.
23. Can't use a Harley to earn extra money driving for Uber or Lyft.
24. Harleys don't provide enough sun protection for those spending most of their time playing video games in their Mom's basement.
25. The Harley roar would scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy !!
Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles.
Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why.
Here are 25 reasons why Millennials don't ride Harleys:
1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough strength to hold the bike up when stopped.
6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency medical care or extensive psychological counseling.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college working on a degree in Humanities, Art History, or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pyjamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen or voice commands.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16. Harleys don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscles to back up.
19. When stopped, a light breeze might blow exhaust fumes in their face and cause nearly instantaneous cancer.
20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-softened water.
21. Harleys burn gasoline and that supports the big oil companies.
22. Can't use both thumbs for texting while riding.
23. Can't use a Harley to earn extra money driving for Uber or Lyft.
24. Harleys don't provide enough sun protection for those spending most of their time playing video games in their Mom's basement.
25. The Harley roar would scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy !!
A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realizes he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,
"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?"
The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen, mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive."
So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.
The bartender is speechless.
"Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer."
The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.
"Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?"
The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then."
The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waistcoat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.
"Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it."
In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.
"I'll give you $50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant."
"Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with banknotes before making his exit with the frog.
"Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!"
"Nah," says the man.
"The hamster's a ventriloquist!!..
"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?"
The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen, mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive."
So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.
The bartender is speechless.
"Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer."
The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.
"Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?"
The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then."
The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waistcoat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.
"Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it."
In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.
"I'll give you $50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant."
"Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with banknotes before making his exit with the frog.
"Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!"
"Nah," says the man.
"The hamster's a ventriloquist!!..
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapsed from a heart attack! "Help me, dear," she groaned to her husband.
The husband called 911 on his cell phone, talked for a few minutes, picked up his putter, and lined up his putt.
His wife raised her head off the green and stared at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
___________________________
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
___________________________
A young man and a priest were playing together. At a short par-3, the priest asked, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man said, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest said, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hit his 8-iron and put the ball on the green.
The priest topped his 7-iron and dribbled the ball out only a few yards.
The young man said, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
___________________________
Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asked, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" said the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begin to sob, dropped the club, and put her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for five."
___________________________
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it.”
The husband called 911 on his cell phone, talked for a few minutes, picked up his putter, and lined up his putt.
His wife raised her head off the green and stared at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
___________________________
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
___________________________
A young man and a priest were playing together. At a short par-3, the priest asked, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man said, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest said, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hit his 8-iron and put the ball on the green.
The priest topped his 7-iron and dribbled the ball out only a few yards.
The young man said, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
___________________________
Police were called to an apartment and found a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asked, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" said the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begin to sob, dropped the club, and put her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for five."
___________________________
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it.”
Aaron was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
Rick and his wife, AngieMarie were driving home one very cold night when AngieMarie asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to Rick, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
Rick says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
Rick is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to Rick, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
Rick says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
Rick is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE
Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a
gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE!
Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a
gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE!
TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It's a Beautiful Day even when it's not.
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It's a Beautiful Day even when it's not.
"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to the Middle East to see for ourselves what the place was like and all the trouble was about. It didn't start well when the bus we where travelling on broke down a few miles north of our final destination.
We were stranded in a third world sh*t hole with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women around us were wearing head to toe burqas.
As the crowd closed in we were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Dave the bus driver suddenly remembered that Lakemba had a train station, so we were able to get safely to Wynyard for the final leg of our journey
We were stranded in a third world sh*t hole with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women around us were wearing head to toe burqas.
As the crowd closed in we were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Dave the bus driver suddenly remembered that Lakemba had a train station, so we were able to get safely to Wynyard for the final leg of our journey
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and she understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from the fireman in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and she understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from the fireman in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
An Obituary printed in the London Times....
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated
such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepchildren;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated
such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepchildren;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hearfirst?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hearfirst?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, " I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, " I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"
The Queen was in Glasgow when she formally met Alex Salmond, Scotland's First Minister.
EIIR: "How nice to see you Mr. Salmond."
AS: "Nice to see you Your Majesty. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?
EIIR: "Oh dear, one hasn't considered that yet!"
AS: "How about calling it a 'Kingdom' and then I will be King?
EIIR: "One doesn't think that is appropriate."
AS: "How about 'Empire' then I can be an Emperor?
EIIR: "In one's dreams!"
AS: "All right! So how about calling it a 'Principality' and then I can be a Prince?"
EIIR: "Mr. Salmond! I think we will let it remain a 'country' and you can carry on as you are."
EIIR: "How nice to see you Mr. Salmond."
AS: "Nice to see you Your Majesty. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?
EIIR: "Oh dear, one hasn't considered that yet!"
AS: "How about calling it a 'Kingdom' and then I will be King?
EIIR: "One doesn't think that is appropriate."
AS: "How about 'Empire' then I can be an Emperor?
EIIR: "In one's dreams!"
AS: "All right! So how about calling it a 'Principality' and then I can be a Prince?"
EIIR: "Mr. Salmond! I think we will let it remain a 'country' and you can carry on as you are."
THE TRUE CAUSE OF OBESITY
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like….
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like….
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
This happened on ONTARIO RADIO LIVE:
Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."
"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of Ribs."
Across the street, there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods, and on the other side, a liquor store called "Morehammered."
"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”
Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.
And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point, it is midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.
Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."
"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of Ribs."
Across the street, there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods, and on the other side, a liquor store called "Morehammered."
"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”
Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.
And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point, it is midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.
.A.A.D.D.- RECOGNIZE THE SYMPTOMS !
Thank goodness there's FINALLY a name for this disorder.
"Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder"
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back On the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox When I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, And see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, So I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter Catches my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter , Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
But then I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you YET, YOUR day is coming.
P.S. : I don't remember who sent this to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry.
Thank goodness there's FINALLY a name for this disorder.
"Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder"
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back On the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox When I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, And see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, So I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter Catches my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter , Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
But then I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you YET, YOUR day is coming.
P.S. : I don't remember who sent this to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry.
I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as Oral High Jean.
xxxxxxxxxx
Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
That's nice I thought,
'Two lips from Amsterdam !’
xxxxxxxxxx
My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it....
but when I got home all the signs were there.
sxxxxxxxxxx
My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?"
I told him,
"Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan-shaped tails and live on insects.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on benefits."
xxxxxxxxxx
Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch he said
"It's Houston , we have a problem!"
She was known as Oral High Jean.
xxxxxxxxxx
Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
That's nice I thought,
'Two lips from Amsterdam !’
xxxxxxxxxx
My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it....
but when I got home all the signs were there.
sxxxxxxxxxx
My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?"
I told him,
"Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan-shaped tails and live on insects.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on benefits."
xxxxxxxxxx
Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch he said
"It's Houston , we have a problem!"
DO U HAVE A VAGINA???
Now there is a question you do not get too often...
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust....
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this
guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says......
The man replies Good Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?
Now there is a question you do not get too often...
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust....
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this
guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says......
The man replies Good Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie,
large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power”!
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Roumanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “sorry about the wait.”
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change?”
I said 'Nope, you're still black'
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says me Ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."
large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power”!
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Roumanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “sorry about the wait.”
I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change?”
I said 'Nope, you're still black'
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says me Ma is dead.
Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."
It just hit me!
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks ...
My dog must be an Illegal Immigrant.
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks ...
My dog must be an Illegal Immigrant.
|
|
An Auckland couple had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in New Zealand was Chinese. And they didn't want to take a chance on having a Chinese baby because neither of them could speak the language.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in New Zealand was Chinese. And they didn't want to take a chance on having a Chinese baby because neither of them could speak the language.
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
A father went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck boastfully says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis the size of a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are black."
Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck boastfully says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis the size of a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are black."
How to Replace Mouse Balls
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
To whom this may concern
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
To whom this may concern
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
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No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired Of putting up with her shit. Men ' s Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC |
Make love, not war.
Hell, do both GET MARRIED! Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT |
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Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity. The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO |
If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life, Then let's all get wasted together And have the time of our lives. Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC |
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die...
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die...
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Lansdowne Hotel Pizza Menu
Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Hull Pair in Hospital A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Vintage film fan and part time 'plus size' model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Black Ink Tattoo Emporium in Carr Lane last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.
Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in her buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse up to my roll-up and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Hull Royal Infirmary A&E where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
“I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go, and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me up on his bench on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the Humberside Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.... “he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
Vintage film fan and part time 'plus size' model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Black Ink Tattoo Emporium in Carr Lane last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.
Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in her buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse up to my roll-up and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Hull Royal Infirmary A&E where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
“I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go, and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me up on his bench on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the Humberside Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.... “he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota.
He shot a bird, but it fell into the field on the other side of the fence
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and,
if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota.
We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What’s the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Don’t you just love old people!!!
He shot a bird, but it fell into the field on the other side of the fence
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and,
if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota.
We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What’s the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Don’t you just love old people!!!
The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man... Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
Jane married Ted and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.
Jane again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Jane finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs"
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.
Jane again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Jane finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs"
Globalization?
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization ?
Answer : Princess Diana's death.
Question:
How come?
Answer : An English Princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed
closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Australian, using American Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexicans who are in the US illegally because the previous president,who presided then was educated as a Muslim in Indonesia and refused to enforce US law.
That, my friends, is Globalization !
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization ?
Answer : Princess Diana's death.
Question:
How come?
Answer : An English Princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed
closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Australian, using American Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexicans who are in the US illegally because the previous president,who presided then was educated as a Muslim in Indonesia and refused to enforce US law.
That, my friends, is Globalization !
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said,"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said,"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said,"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said,"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.
Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now !
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now !
A 5 year old boy and his 3 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says: 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Oh, shit Mum, I don't know, I think I’ll have some Cornflakes.'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do you want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Cornflakes!'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says: 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Oh, shit Mum, I don't know, I think I’ll have some Cornflakes.'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do you want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Cornflakes!'
